ON HIS PRESIDENCY'S SECRET SERVICE |
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THE ONION DESCRIBES THE COUNTRY |
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Counterfeiting was its target when the Secret Service was created July 5, 1865, early in this new president's term |
(Teacher: When I say "Bloe," you say "dorn"! Bloe!) (Cathy Bloedorn's students at Howard High School: Dorn!) (Teacher: Bloe!) (Students: Dorn!) (Teacher: Bloe!) (Students: Dorn!) [Cheers and applause]
Andrew Johnson
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Jay Z's name honors the J & Z subway lines in this borough, his hometown |
Brooklyn
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Medical apparel named after the area & activity used in preparation for surgery |
scrubs
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Social studies teacher Mr. Clinchy nukes a DiGiorno thin crust one of these & of course, offers to share |
a pizza
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Its people speak "64,000 dialects of Hindi as their official language... and Spanish if a Verizon customer presses 2 now" |
India
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During his term Congress directed the Service to protect Jackie Kennedy & her children for 2 years |
LBJ (Lyndon Johnson)
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Breaking up the name of his home state gave rapper Tramar Dillard this stage name |
Flo Rida
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A neckerchief & a sash for merit badges are part of this organization's uniform |
the Boy Scouts
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P.E. coach Kear chugs a G series thirst quencher bottle of this brand |
Gatorade
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Pertaining to the heart |
cardiac
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Enjoy this country's "Vegemite Mine" & "Paul Hogan Institute of Knife Identification" |
Australia
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In 1902 the Service began full-time protection of the president, this man whose predecessor could've used some protecting |
(Alex: McKinley had been assassinated before him.)
Theodore Roosevelt
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This Cuban-American rapper named himself for the tenacious qualities of a certain dog |
Pitbull
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Employees working at Foot Locker dress in the uniform of someone in this other job |
a referee
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English teacher Mr. Voss hates misspelling, so he boycotts these "Stix" that come in grape, cherry & Maui punch flavors |
Pixy Stix
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Shortened term for an agreement before a marriage that stipulates rights |
prenup
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It "is composed solely of the glamorous Monte Carlo casino... the typical citizen... works a full eight-hour lifetime" |
Monaco
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During the George W. Bush presidency, the Secret Service was transferred to this Cabinet department |
the Department of Homeland Security
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Real name of the guy who was M&M then Eminem |
Marshall Mathers
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See the mark of the beast on the uniform of this NBA team, 65 million years in the making |
the (Toronto) Raptors
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Mrs. Parsons, the French teacher, has an artisan baguette from this chain whose name means "to the good bread" |
Au Bon Pain
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Don't fear this machine that cuts standing grain |
reaper
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It "cannot help but reminisce about the 1800s, when (it) was so powerful it could overtake any country simply by asking politely" |
Great Britain (or the United Kingdom)
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In this man's term, the Service began protecting foreign dignitaries such as Golda Meir, who had a state dinner with him |
Richard Nixon
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To distance himself from his absent father, Dwayne Carter Jr. dropped a letter from his name to arrive at this rap name |
(Timothy Shuker-Haines' class at Buxton School: Buxton loves you, Timothy! Good luck on Jeopardy!) [Cheers and applause]
Lil Wayne
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The uniform of a German soldier during World War I might have included a Pickelhaube, one of these |
a (spiked) helmet
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The English Dept.'s Ms. Montgomery sneaks a Creme Egg from this British confectioner known for its "Bunny" |
Cadbury
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Traditional contradictory-sounding adjective for a parliamentary opposition party |
(Alex: It's always sounded strange because they refer to it as the [*] opposition.)
loyal
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"Running... from their problems", this African country's "traditional greeting" is "on your left" |
Kenya
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